10.05.2011

editing 101

time to rip apart a news story at a certain newspaper in santa barbara. here's the basic plot: a nasty crash between two vehicles on highway 101. here's how the crash is described, with my commentary interspersed.

The crash happened on slippery roads still wet from the overnight rain, about 6:40 a.m., near the Southbound La Cumbre Road offramp.

hmm, odd placement of the time element. did it happen on "slippery roads" or a slippery highway? and why exactly is "southbound" capitalized? why not: "The crash occurred at approximately 6:40 a.m. near the southbound La Cumbre Road offramp on a slippery roadway still wet from overnight rainfall."

The CHP said that Worak III was driving in the slow lane on near La Cumbre Road. At the same time, Night was driving a white 2003 Toyota Corolla in the middle lane, slightly to the rear of the Ford.

the chp can't say anything; it's an institution, not a person. let's set aside the "on near" phrase as an unfortunate mistake. we already know the crash happened near La Cumbre Road anyway. of course the two drivers were there "at the same time." here's my version: "CHP officials said Worak was driving in the slow lane with Night, in a white 2003 Toyota Corolla, driving slightly to the rear of the Ford in the middle lane."

Worak, the CHP said, began to change lanes from the slow lane to the middle lane, directly into the path of the Toyota.

again, organizations can't speak. also the whole changing of the lanes phrase is a bit more complicated that need be: "Worak began merging into the middle lane, according to the CHP, traveling directly into the path of the Toyota."

Night swerved into the fast lane to avoid an accident, then back into the middle lane, when it crashed into the Ford. Both vehicles spun out of control onto the right shoulder, where they smacked into the guard rail. The Ford then jumped the Toyota and landed on top, where it came to a rest.

hmm. interesting how "night" becomes an "it" later in the first sentence. is it now an anthromorphic time element that is involved in the crash? the description in the following two sentences is pretty sad. my version: "Night swerved into the fast lane before skidding back into the Ford. Both vehicles spun out of control onto the right shoulder and crashed into the guard rail. Propelled into the air by the force of the impact, the Ford landed on the crumpled Toyota as the two vehicles came to a rest."

Worak’s legs were pinned against the dashboard, authorities said. Fire crews removed both of the truck’s doors to get to the driver. Since the truck landed on top of the car — about eight feet off the ground — firefighters had to stand on ladders and on top of the bottom car to make the rescue.

the first two sentences are relatively painless, but the closer is strange. why not add a bit more color and punch? like this: "As firefighters worked frantically to free the trapped man eight feet from the ground, they were forced to stand on ladders and the damaged Toyota while wielding heavy hydraulic equipment."

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