7.07.2011

hang 'em up

score one for the real journalists. murdoch's craptastic news of the world is going down in flames after its scummy reporters allegedly hacked into the voicemail messages of celebrities, relatives of dead soldiers, and a missing 13-year-old girl. naturally, they reportedly deleted some of the messages on the teenager's phone to make room for more scoopable material, giving false hope to the parents and jamming up the police investigation. oh well, at least they got some gory details and sold a few more papers.

in other news, i tracked down a few onion-like briefs i wrote up during my college days for a now-defunct site i created called enough necktie (it's an anagram). might have to revive it someday. here's a favorite:

President George W. Bush issued an embargo on all Swedish-made goods today after a meatball allegedly of Swedish origin became lodged in his throat during a fundraising dinner at the White House last night.
"We cannot continue to allow these acts of terror to take place on American soil," President Bush said. "Every American has a right to swallow their food without fear."
Witnesses of the event said the president seemed to be enjoying his dinner when he suddenly stood up with a panicked look on his face.
"His face turned red and he started waving his arms around wildly," said a White House aide, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "One of Cheney's paramedics gave him the Heimlich and the meatball came flying out, still in one piece."
Secret Service agents dove on the remaining meatballs still on the president's plate of spaghetti, knocking them to the floor. Three people were injured in the resulting scramble to get out of the room, raising the casualty count to four victims. After a thorough examination, the president's throat was downgraded to Level Yellow, still on alert for any suspicious activity.
Experts say the embargo will have a grave impact on Swedish massage therapy centers, which have seen a 72 percent decrease in clients. In addition, Ingmar Bergman films have been removed from public libraries and the administration has announced the creation of the Freedom Prize as an alternative to the Nobel Prize.
UPDATE: Preliminary research indicates that the meatballs were most likely Italian in nature. President Bush said he stands by his earlier statement that the Swedes were involved in the act of culinary terrorism.

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