number on the wall

peter falk died today. most probably know him as columbo, but he'll always be sam diamond to me. in honor of his somewhat (ok, incredibly) infantile humor in that film, here are some of his classic lines:

The last time I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!
Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
Dora Charleston: What does he mean, Miss Skeffington?
Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

That was then, this is now, and nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not.

Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.

Sam Diamond: I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentleman. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?
Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam.
Sam Diamond: Neither do I.

You pit your wits with me, little man, and you won't have your wits to pit with, know what I mean?

Tess Skeffington: I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.
Sam Diamond: Hold yourself. I'm busy.

Sam Diamond: Shut up, all of yas. Nobody move!
Dick Charleston: What is it?
Sam Diamond: I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin'.

Sam Diamond: I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?
Tess Skeffington: Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...
Sam Diamond: All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.