mystery meat

alright, i'll admit it. i went in to subway for lunch the other day with plans to grab a veggie sandwich, partly to stay healthy, partly to avoid the usually gross-looking meat products. let's just say that i stuck to that plan, as my latter concern was validated. while waiting to order, i scanned the menu out of boredom until my attention was drawn to the cold cut combo. below the name and a photo of a sub that looks nothing like any sandwich i've ever seen produced assembly line-style by hands gloved in plastic, a small line of text stated: bologna, ham, and salami. then my eye caught another, smaller line of text below that: all meats are turkey-based. my mind recoiled in horror. let's parse it out.

turkey bologna. ok, fine. who the hell knows what bologna is made out of anyway. it seems to be a vaguely hotdog-like substance, which definitely fits the mystery meat bill.

turkey salami. again, somewhat acceptable. pork or beef still seems like a better fit for cured meats, but we have turkey and chicken sausage, so why not salami? nonetheless, still slightly disturbing for reasons i have yet to pin down.

turkey ham. wow. let's just think about this for a moment. turkey. that's poultry. that has wings. ham. that's a cut of meat from the hind leg of a pig, surely. so what in the blazes is turkey ham? maybe pigs can fly after all.